The Truth About Fake Discouraging Words
It is so important to have encouraging voices speaking into your life. …and it’s equally important to be an encouraging voice to the people around you. Listen to these very different reactions I got last spring when I told two different friends about my summer trip to Africa.
Friend #1: When I told this sweet friend about my summer plans, she rolled her eyes and made a noise along the lines of, Ughhhhh. She was partially bummed that I’d be abandoning her for a few weeks and partially jealous because she doesn’t travel much but wishes she did. Whenever I tell her about an upcoming trip I’m planning, we go through this same routine… She rolls her eyes, makes a noise, and does some general complaining. Then we both laugh, and she says, Well, have a good time. Send pictures! She’s not actually mad about my travel plans, but she does consistently give me a little grief about them before giving in and sharing in my joy.
Friend #2: When I told this longtime friend about my summer Africa trip, she freaked out. She was so stinking excited for me that she could not hide her exuberance. Even as I was trying to share details with her about my itinerary, she kept interrupting me with bursts of excitement and joy. At one point in our conversation, she said, My cheeks literally hurt right now from smiling so hard. I am so excited for you! Her eagerness and enthusiasm spilled over onto me, and I just had the best time getting to share with her about everything I’d be doing and seeing on my African adventure.
As I thought about my conversation with Friend #2, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much it encouraged me for her to be so thrilled about my fun plans. Her generously kind response lifted my spirits and increased my gratitude for her friendship. On the other hand, with Friend #1, even though I know she means no ill intent, because I always know that she’ll respond with groaning, I honestly dread even telling her when I make fun plans. I strategize about when to break the news so that she won’t be caught off guard when I don’t show up to our shared weekly activity, and I breathe a little sigh of relief once it’s out in the open and the band aid has been ripped off. Her disgruntled responses are discouraging, and they sometimes make me feel a little bit guilty for the trips I take.
Both of my friends love me at the end of the day, but boy it makes a huge difference when someone is encouraging rather than discouraging in their words, body language and heart postures. Words matter! Even if you’re saying something discouraging in jest, at the end of the day, you’re still saying something discouraging. Why let those kinds of words come out of your mouth?! Words that are spoken playfully are still words that have been spoken—and will probably be remembered.
The Bible talks a lot about being careful and intentional about what we say. Proverbs is full of wisdom about the power of words. For example:
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. -Proverbs 18:21
Here are a few other favorites of mine from throughout Scripture. These verses remind us of the importance of choosing to speak life and encouragement into others.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. -Ephesians 4:29
Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. -Proverbs 16:24
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. -1 Thessalonians 5:11
“But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” -Matthew 12:36-37
Moral of the story? Just be careful about what you say! Check yourself if you have one friend who you often speak to with sarcasm, halfhearted ridicule, or flippancy. Your friend might know full well that you don’t mean what you say, but … why would you want to be known as the friend who doesn’t mean what she says?! Your words carry weight. Even if spoken jokingly, they can bring somebody down.
Or, on the other side of things, they can also be spoken with authenticity and care, and your words can absolutely lift somebody up! Choose to be not just happy, but thrilled for your friends when they share good news with you. By joining in their happiness, you are probably actually increasing their joy.
Be the one whose cheeks hurt because you’re smiling that hard at someone else’s good news. I promise you won’t regret it.